i forgot what was to feel really happy 'cause i didn't experienced it for five years. i just want to die, and life does not mean happiness nor blessings to me. i didn't want to be born, but i did. i didn't want to experience the trauma, but i did. now i don't want to live in this depressed feelings, but i has to unless i die. however, i'm too coward to die. i hate myself , who's a pessimist, a perfectionist, also just a person hiding behind a filter. i want to die .